Get Better in Time
by MorTay3
Summary: I'm going to smile because I deserve to.


_Its been the longest winter wihout you_

_I didn't know where to turn to_

_see some how i cant forget you_

_after all that weve been through_

I dont know why my finger manuevered its way down the contact list on my phone and landed on your name. I could have ended the call right then but I didn't, I couldn't. I held the object against my ear hestitantly and listened to the ring dial. I don't know what I'm looking for in this call, I don't even know if you'll answer.

Its been two rings already on its way to the third. You won't answer, will you Duncan? I just need to hear your voice. Answer please, I begged silently.

"...Hello." His voice was clearly shocked to hear from me. I couldn't speak, why was I being mute. "Hello." He asked again.

"Hi Duncan." I said, Dammit I cursed myself silently. I could have hung up and just pretended this never happened but I was too good at that...I needed to change.

"Hey...Courtney why are you calling?" God why was he so blunt and why did it hurt to hear him ask...It wasn't obvious that I cared, that I needed to hear his voice, that each day apart tortured my still broken heart, I guess not...I am hard to read...so stupid.

"I just thought we could talk...I miss talking." I sounded so weak, I am weak.

"You mean argue...thats all we ever did." His voice was so bitter, yet he hadn't hung up, cursed me or told me his dying hatred for us for me.

"I know and I'm sorry for that Duncan." This vulnerabilty thing wasn't working but this hollow feeling in my chest wasn't helping either.

"Woah the princess is apologizing...thats a first." His voice dipped in sarcasm.

"I get it Duncan, you hate me and hate that I even still have your number...its okay. I just wanted to talk about u..._things_ and apologize." I was exhausted completely drained...love was killing me slowly.

"..." The phone was silent for a long time.

"Duncan." at the same time he answered.

"I don't hate you Courtney." His voice in a whisper, like when he admited to something or did something sweet. Sugarcoated words. Why did my heart skip a beat, why did I feel so much relieved, I gaiined so much confidence and it was only over a few words.

"I never hated you Duncan...I never could." I bit my lip waiting to hear his reply. I could hear him almost gasp out a breath. He wasn't breathing too?

I could hear noises in the background, a girls voice...her voice. 'who's that'

"Its Geoff.." He lied about me to her. I would too if I were him. "I'll call you later..." He was keeping his voice at a whisper. "I promise." He breathed in evenly.

Before I could speak he hung up.

_going coming thought i heard a knock_

_whos there no one_

_thinking i deserve it_

_now i realize thatn i really didnt know_

It felt good hearing him, speaking to him. I needed him so much it hurt me physically being apart. To be together for so long to end like we did. My mind couldn't process it. I thought I could control everything around, everyone around me but I was wrong, so wrong. I sat on my couch looking to my right at the front door. I thought you would come over and apologize tell me it was a mistake hold me in your strong arms and plaster my face with your sweet kisses till I felt numb wih your shower of love but you never knocked on the door, you never called and you never loved me. Did you? Now I'm left with these unsettled thoughts as I wait for your call.

i cant get my mind off of you its horrible the way i think of you. i want you so bad im willing to cross too many lines for you to feel the same way but i cant cross those lines because its your decision to feel the same

some days i cry wishing i knew the answer..sometimes i regret things ive said and done in the past but if you could only understand how i feel maybe then you would realize my feelings the whole time. i have never hated you only hating you because of how much i loved and still love you. i wish i could tell you and know things will be the way i play them out in my mind but of course once i get back into reality i realize its winter and we live miles apart and maybe your broken heart has healed but mine still hasnt changed its ordeal.

some days i look in the mirror and blame myself for being the way i am. i cant blame you or me its just how our lives turned out to be...but hopefully when you hear my words, youll think about me once and think i loved that girl or maybe youll think i know her...i dnt care as long as you remember somewhere. loving you destroyed my life for sometime and it still does in small cases. never really getting over you is a reason why...there are too many reasons why

i wish i can hear your voice or even see you cause seeing you means everything to me. that one glance of your pale skin turns my whole body into chills and my world stops for a minute and everything goes out of focus because you are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. your icy blue eyes tell me stories i know about you and your smile shows me memories that you have saved

i cant explain myself i feel deranged...at times i think i go insane because of the endless love i know we can have, could have but then once again i remind my self of your absence and how your life has moved on and how mine does sometimes and then it hurts to love you soo much. i have to breathe im not floating on that cloud im not seeing love

love is truelly blind in this case...i cant figure you out yet i want to...your a mystery i cant have and break

im hoping for the best thing to happen im hoping for us to have a brand new start im hoping for that beginning that we never got to start

or am i really getting that ending we never finished.

_i couldnt turn on th tv_

_without something thatll remind me_

_it wasnt all that easy_

_to just put aside your feelings_

_if im dreaming dont wanna lie_

_hurt my feelings_

I called around 5, it's almost midnight now. My little brother came in and flopped on the couch next to me, turning on the tv to reveal my downfall. 'Dear mom and dad Im doing fine.' "Turn it off Dustin." I begged quietly my knees up against my chest.

"No, this is a good episode, the dodgeball episode."

"Dustin...I said turn it off." My little brother hummed along to the introduction music completely ignoring me. I snatched the remoe from his grimmy hands and mashed my fist into the power button revealing a black screen.

"God Courtney stop being a bitch." Dustin ran out of the living room and yelled for our parents. I ran upstairs to my room to only slam the door and pull my fingers through my lengthy hair. "I'm losing it." I said outloud before my phone rang. I looked at the screen to see his name, the name that shudders my whole being.

"Hello." I answered preparing to hear his voice again.

"Hey princess." I loved hearing my nickname, I never knew how much I mised it, until then. "What did you wanna talk about?" Just like him, cutting to the chase.

"Duncan, I wanted to talk about what happened to us." I let out a shallow breath and continued. "We never did talk about what happened wih us...why it happened." I wouldn't allow him to hear me breathe...he needed to speak.

"I guess we started falling off when we returned to the show and you were money hungry and I didn't even compare. I know your a princess and all and money is essential but damn I thought I at least came first." Duncan tried o mask his vulnerability by humor but I could see right through him and he knew that.

"I know I did and that was stupid of me because you were first...maybe not at those moments but I always put you first."

"It didn't feel like it Princess." He said.

"Duncan." I said.

"Yea."

"I don't blame you for kissing Gwen...for leaving me for her." I could imagine his face...he would be tripping over somehing in utter surprise.

"You. Umm. Don't."

"No. Gwen is a cool person, I got to know her before you and her commited your infidelity. I thought we were close." I finished, I couldnt deny it, I still hated Gwen for what she did to me. And no matter how wrong I was in Duncan and I relationship I didn't deserve to have a friend do that to me.

"You've changed." he said but it was phrased as a question.

"Yea, getting over first love isn't easy." I admitted and forced a small laugh. He didn't laugh, he didnt speak for a while.

"Courtney, Im sorry." Duncan said. I could cry, I did. "You okay?' He asked.

"Yea, that all I ever wanted from you Duncan. I wanted you to feel something after cruching me. You continued on like I didn't matter and I guess at that time I deserved i but I just thought we had enough love to feel sympathy toward each other." I said too much, I didnt say enough. What's wrong with me? I wiped my eyes fiercly

"I felt it too Courtney, I loved you. It was hard and easy kissing Gwen. Its still that way after your call earlier today." Was he admitting to still having feelings.

"Are you happy...now?" I asked. He made a few noises as if to speak but no words came out.

"I'm happy." He finally said. "You?"

"I will be eventually."

"What have you been up to?"

"Just trying to move on I guess." Why was I admitting so much. "You?"

"Same here Princess."

"I still love you Duncan." I blurted.

"Courtney..," I interrupted him.

_since theres no more you and me_

_its time i let you go so i can be free_

_and live my life how it should be_

_no matter how hard it is_

_ill be fine without you, yes i will_

"But I understand...I screwed up and I need to reflect on myself...I don't know who I am. I love you so much Duncan, its causing me harm but I love you enough to let you be happy with Gwen...to leave you alone. You deserve to have a sane girlfriend, you deserve to have attention and affection...someone open. I'm nothing like that." I laughed to myself.

_but thats the path _

_i believe in_

_and i know that time will heal it_

"Courtney..." I could hear him trembling through the phone. "Babe theres always the future." He loved me, he still does though he wont say it and I dont want or expect him to. He deserves to be happy and I do too.

_if you didnt notice well_

_you mean everything_

_quickly im learning to love again_

_all i know is im gonna be okay_

_thought i couldnt live without_

_its gonna hurt when it heals too _

_itll all get better in time_

_and even though i really love you_

_im gonna smile cause i deserve to_

"You know Duncan, as wrong as I was for making you second in my priorities it didnt and doesnt excuse what you did to me." He didn't speak because he knew I was right. "I may have been a selfish bitch but dammit I still fought for you and loved you." I wanted to rip these feelings out, they needed to die. "Funny how you brought up the future...thats what it'll take."

"What exactly?"

"Time...it'll take time for me to heal from you and it might hurt and leave a scar but at least it'll be healed." He breathed out, not knowing what to say. "So I'm not going to feel bad anymore and I don't want you to feel bad either. Shit happens." I smirked. I could hear his laugh.

"You're awesome. Have I told you that?" I could imagine his signature smirk and I felt my heart flutter.

"And you're an ass, have I told you that?" I joked.

"No not lately but I miss it." His voice sincere. "Maybe in the future we can ugh...hang out." I smiled for the first time in forever, it felt.

"I'd like that Duncan."

"I gotta go but...Good night Princess." He sounded sad. I knew because I was too.

"Night Duncan." I said barely audible.

_thought i couldnt live without_

_its gonna hurt when it heals too _

_itll all get better in time_

_and even though i really love you_

_im gonna smile cause i deserve to_

After a much needed shower and warming up session between my body and comfortor, I decided to drift off into sleep. Tonight I knew I would be able to sleep without interruption of dreams and anxiety but pure blissful sleep. I could lay in bed drifting into the memories of us, I could relive in the moments of his voice, I could touch the skin on my arms ad pretend it were him and not my own cold fingers but no instead I thought about the future, of tomorrow. The crorners of my mouth seized upwards and the white of my teeth revealed...I was smiling and dammit I deserved to.

A/N: Omgsh! Okay so a lot of the monologue was somethibng I wrote after my first heart break. I never got closure and the person I am, I believe in staying friends with ex's...this ex however was fiery like Duncan and screwed me over basically but I was a complete bitch back then to hide from my emotional scars of home life. But I love this one...took a lot of effort! and at the same time it was easy. Contradiction much? Oh yea!


End file.
